Monday, February 20, 2006;6:39 pm **crisis core**
lol
i pray for the light. i hope for a better future. But can i really get 1? I have put down all my sadness and set aside my setbacks. but this big thing i stil havent overcome. is myself.
Why ppl r so troubled by luv? is it realli a v big prob? life for me now is so routine. weekdays i do abit of hw.. l8r hav to mug for math test tml.. den play utopia.. check email.. sing some songs.. den go slp. that's all. weekends i hav gavel which i quite enjoy. den sunday cip.. 4 more weeks to ct.. havent really prepare.. i'm challenging myself. but i cant seem to push myself hard enuf. y? Nt year i'll be in NS.. life will be tougher. wad do i want in my life? what a person want in life? is it to live for others? i was born to make someone happy. i'm still born to make her happy. but when can i ever make her happy again? when will i ever be happy again? surges of sadness come one after another. Alot of ppl tell me stuff. dunno who to believe. i'm lyk a clown. hav to entertain ppl. i'm not obliged to. but its jus basic manners in me i guess.
but deep down inside me. there lies the dark side. i feel so empty. now tt i dun even noe wad am i living for. ppl sae religion gives you a purpose in life. is it true? well maybe at that moment you'll feel inspired, not cos of anyting. but cos the person is a gd speaker. He touched you. not any god or mystical aura.
I feel like a bird with broken wings. and everyday. I'll pray that my wings will grow back. Wishful but hopeful. but the higher the hopes i pin on... the more devastated i feel when i noe its not the reality.
wad's ur purpose in life? is it to go to heaven? is it to make ppl happy? if so, wont u b tired? is it to score ur A's? if so wad makes u a full person if u jus noe how to mug? For now, i still dunno.
all i noe is life is mundane for me now. the extra stuff i took up jus aggravate the situation.
I feel i belong nowhere. cos i'm insignificant.
There's a proverb: its lonely up there.
i feel lonely anywhere. lost hopes. lost myself in the midst of finding wad's true happiness. I put in too much. that I became a part of someone. When the truth breaks out, I was discarded somehow. Or mayb jus put aside cos i was of less importance. i dun blame. jus wanna sae i'll be there for u always. I've made up my mind.
Lost my soul. lost my everything. What more can i lose?